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United States, Tennessee, Humboldt, English, Susan, Female, 36-40, Christianity, Bible Study, church, music, trumpet, CD's.

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United States, Tennessee, Humboldt, English, Katie, Female, 30-35, Christianity, Bible Study, church, mom with two kids, full-time student.

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:: Saturday, February 01, 2003 ::

Overloaded

Warning! This blog is rated BD (borderline depressing)

I just had to write my thoughts. I need to vent or something I don't know. Life as a single (or divorced as Sue would call me) mom is really taking its toll these days. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions all day every day. Every thing seems so out of control and there's just too much going on for one person to handle. Just the basic chores of homemaking that I used to enjoy have come to be another dreaded thing on my to do list. I finally have classes that I can cope with at school and my life at home goes haywire! Child support is gone so I have to feel guilty for going to school now. I feel guilt all the time...for everything. I don't know how to get my priorities in order. God first family second everything else last.....blah blah blah. Sounds simple but is it really? HECK NO!

There's more involved to being a single (divorced) parent than just running a house and having a job......especially when the parent is also a student. The worst thing is that because I DON'T have a job, I feel like I should not be continuing in my education. However, this semester is paid for so, I'm going to finish it. My pre-teens are acting like full blown teenagers (at least my 10 year old is). I am not prepared for this! I just started reading books about teens and I get frightened when I read them. Problem is, I should have read them at least 2 years ago!

I think I'm doing the right things and they turn out to be wrong. I try to help and I hurt. I try to fix things and make a mess out of everything.

My daughter says that the world treats her so bad and she no longer wants me in school because I have too much homework. The weird thing is that I rarely do it when she is around. I wait until after the kids go to bed and before they get home from school. I do the house work and take care of meeting their needs when they're home. Sometimes I do get irritated and I act irrationally toward them because I sometimes do have to do homework when they are home. It's virtually impossible to finish it all when they aren't here. So, I keep looking for opportunities to sit down and begin my homework and as soon as I do it's "Mooooooooooom! " so, I get irritated because I JUST WANT TIME TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! One of those needs are finding time to myself to just unwind. So, I finally get to bed, I finally close my eyes and I am awakened by nausea and headaches. Then I go to school and I take medicine to help my head and I can't stay awake because of the drugs and the lack of sleep at night.

I go to the Doctor and they just put me on anti depressants to control the migraines and it does slow them down a bit. However, there are these side effects.....................

Things like severe heartburn and stomach pain, digestive malfunctioning, lack of motivation to do anything because of heavy feelings of drowsiness, dry mouth, chapped lips, weight gain......and that's just one pill! FORGET THAT!

So, my Dr. is not happy with me and won't call in anymore pain relievers (which are only used in absolute emergency and rarely) until I get back on the drugs that were making me even more miserable than the headaches. I wasn't depressed before I took the anti-depressants. I didn't start feeling depressed until after I was on them. I'm depressed from the side effects.

I'm trying to figure out how to discipline my children effectively (please don't give me any ideas, I've heard them all!) and meet their emotional needs. Everytime something goes wrong in their life, it is because of something I've done wrong (that's the message I am getting).

My daughter seems to think she will have more of me if I quit school and go to work from 9-5. I think I'll do that over the summer so she can see just how much more she has of my time now than she would if I were working all day every day. I'll probalby have to continue to work anyhow if things don't get straightened out in the child support arena.

I just have too many balls to juggle and I'm not a good juggler anyhow. There is so much more to this than what I'm writing. I could write a book but not today. I guess I just need a few saints to life me up in prayer. Soon, I will be blogging about how things have changed!

:: Katie 2/1/2003 11:54:55 PM ** ** [+] ::
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Joshua

I was commenting on a post "False Assumptions by IreneQ and decided I needed to blog my comment!

Have you seen the movie "Joshua"? It's based on the novels by Joseph Gizone. The premise is that a stranger moves into town and is able to bring the town together and make it a real community. Everyone wonders who this stranger is. It is a great movie, filled with wit and humor and heart-tugs. One scene sticks with me more than any other.

You see, this stranger is apparantly sent from God and the viewer wonders if he is an angel or Jesus himself. One night as he is walking around town, (now we know what he drives...he doesn't drive!) he comes upon a tent revival. Real live revival meeting! Tent and all, with a cross on top and everything! The preacher is dressed in a stereotypical evangelist shiny suit is ready to do some "healing". He walks to a girl in a wheelchair and amazingly after a tiny prayer she is healed and can walk. It's a "miracle"! Joshua is witnessing all this and when the tent is silent during corporate prayer, he approaches the stage and calls out to the preacher that "you don't need to do this." This is an interruption and distraction of course, and the preacher politely reprimands Joshua who continues on toward the stage.

As a Christian I struggle with being critical of others and very judgmental. I was waiting for Joshua to really let this "preacher" have it and tell him how it really is! I was really waiting to see what was going to happen next...

Joshua got close enough to the preacher to whisper to him..."I know you want to have the faith" and gently grabbed the man's hand to hold it. The preacher wasn't sure of what just happened, but his whole countenance began to change.

That grabbed me. I am so quick to look at another Christian and criticize their "false beliefs" and/or "teachings". I never thought about the fact that they could be seeking Him just as I am. While we do need to use discernment when we hear any teaching, we also need to listen and discern with love. Joshua knew the heart of the preacher, so in a way he did have an advantage, but it got me thinking...shouldn't I give the benefit of the doubt? I can't know a heart like Christ does, but if Christ lives within me...and I can learn to trust the Spirit, wouldn't that help me to know the heart of another?

I thought the preacher should have been scolded...Joshua held the man's hand and whispered to him in love.

I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT!

:: Susan 1/29/2003 01:51:12 PM ** ** [+] ::
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State of the Union

All have their own opinion. I have mine. I am thankful to have George W in the White House. Do I agree with everything he says/does? No, but I really believe he has in his mind and his heart what is best for this country and our people, and the world. I believe he does do his best to seek God's will and he does understand the responsibility he has leading this powerful nation. He understands that there are long-range consequences for each decision he makes, and I do not believe he makes any of them hastily.

What confirms this to me? Simply, the fact that he has lost so much popular opinion in the polls. Most of the time when God decides to move, it doesn't go over very well with the people involved. The economy is down, that is never popular. People are losing jobs, that is never popular. There is a grim possibility of war and that is definately not something America desires. I don't see our president bowing to the whims of what's popular. I don't see him worrying about what the liberals think. I don't see him trying to convince anyone to join him in his beliefs. I see him acting on his beliefs, even if it is not popular. I see him attempting to gain support, but whether or not he gets it, it doesn't change what is right, it doesn't change his decision. I admire that in our president.

Pray for our leaders. Pray for the world's leaders and all it's peoples.

:: Susan 1/29/2003 11:43:38 AM ** ** [+] ::
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My Impact List

I have an "impact list". This is a list of a few people I know that are non-believers. One of these people is someone I see almost daily. I am not sure I know exactly where she is at spiritually, except that she is lost. She's a good person who seems easily swayed by any doctrine that "feels right". She doesn't consider herself "religious", but I do see her as somewhat "spiritual" although in a "new age" sort of way. She doesn't practice any sort of religion that I know of, she simply lives life. She knows my beliefs and she appreciates that I don't "preach" at her. She is very turned off by "street evangelism" as I'd call it...something really confrontational. She laughs off the gospel tracks that people occasionally leave in the store. I pray for her salvation.

I invite her to church every now and then and never really push the subject with her because it would turn her off completely. She is a person who likes to do good for other people. She donates money to charities and stuff, and is always talking about wanting to "make a difference in the world." At Christmas, our church took food to the needy and brought the people back to the church for a celebration...a party. I saw it as an opportunity to invite this person to come with me and I didn't even have to invite! As soon as I mentioned what it was we were going to be doing, she jumped at the chance to help! She came along, donated food, and sat next to me at the celebration which involved Chuch sharing the Christmas story and presenting the gospel! I was glowing inside and had to work to keep from exploding that she was hearing the gospel. After that, nothing much came of anything.

Today, I saw God work in awesome ways for my friend Katie who will most likely blog about that in the next couple of days, so I won't steal the thunder right now. It was awesome though and I shared it with this person on my impact list. She said "wow, that's some good karma!" and I chuckled and replied "no, not karma, God." and she then said "Oh yeah, you believe in God. It's easier for me to believe in karma."

Easier to believe in karma? What the heck does that mean? I didn't get a chance to ask her...but I will have to someday soon. She's moving in a few weeks! Easier to believe in karma?

:: Susan 1/27/2003 11:07:50 PM ** ** [+] ::
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Big Blessing, small prayer

I was blessed at church today when Chuck prayed for the other churches who were having services. He prayed that their worship would glorify God and that hearts would be transformed. In a day where mentalities include "my church is bigger than your church" it was humbling to hear a simple prayer that was so purposeful. Hearts are transformed during worship. Hearts are transformed by the Spirit of God that lives in a great many churches. We should pray for each other more.

:: Susan 1/26/2003 05:00:33 PM ** ** [+] ::
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Blessed

I love my Father. He is wonderful, loving, more than anything I can put into words....He just.......IS! I have been in a situation of financial need and I have been anticipating what God will do through it all. However, it came to the issue of paying tithes on some left over scholarship funds from school. I take advantage of this during the semester to help with expenses since I am schooling and parenting full time and not available for a full time job. With the child support checks, and some help from one of my precious gifts from God (Sue), I managed to get by. Now that the child support isn't coming in anymore, I thought it wise to stretch the left over scholarship money as far as possible. I was struggling because I really wanted to pay tithes but by not paying tithes, maybe that would free Sue up a little on the financial end. I have been praying about it.

Today, for some reason, the church passed around the collection basket (this is not a regular practice at our church). I felt that I should at least give something back to the Provider in my life. When I did, immediately after the service, another precious sister in my church gave me a card. It was a beautiful card that brought tears to my eyes. Especially when I saw that it contained a check that was over and beyond the gift I had put in the collection basket. As if it weren't enough that I had Godbumps during worship and was blessed by many spontaneous acts of worship today. What an awesome message about Looney Bird churches (That's another blog! LOL). I AM SO BLESSED! I don't know why God has put me in Northbrook or why He has blessed our church with so many wise and gifted teachers. I don't know why our body is there but every member of the body DOES have a part and every part fits. Only God can do something like that! Wooohoooo! I praise His holy, beautiful, wonderful, magnificent awesome name!

:: Katie 1/26/2003 03:15:35 PM ** ** [+] ::
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Evil....Returning?

First of all, I want to thank those who shared there awesome comments and offered such great insight on the temptation of Lucifer. Now I have something else to share. Before continuing I would like to warn all brain bleeders that you might need to have your emergency medical kit handy.

I know that angels are created to worship God. I may be wrong here because I don't have my Bible at hand but from what I understand, angels don't have the freedom to choose right or wrong. They were created to worship God and if they don't they fall and that's it. This is why angels can't receive salvation. They were created to worship and serve God alone. This is why when the fall.......it's the end of the story for them! There's no going back because there is no redemption for the angels. Now, as far as evil in heaven........

If nobody tempted Lucifer and it was something that just came from within, something internal, if this is true then God can not destroy all evil. Just as it came from nothing in Lucifer, what's to stop it from coming back in some other self righteous vain angel after all evil is destroyed? I'm not being critical. This is just another ponderable! I can't wait to hear your response! I love seeing numbers in the comment section!!!!!!!!

:: Katie 1/26/2003 02:57:27 PM ** ** [+] ::
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