How I came to know my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
Beauty for Ashes
Isaiah 61: Katie's Story
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
This is my story. God uses those He has put into my life to continually reaffirm His promise to restore places long devastated. He gave me beauty for ashes. When I forget, He uses my brothers and sisters in Christ to cause me to remember where He has brought me from.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I received this rhema from God in April of 2001, at approximately
During my lifetime, I have been witness to numerous marriages and divorces between both of my parents. I have been a victim of physical abuse, emotional abuse, and molestation (not from my birth parents). I grew up in an environment that revolved around alcoholism, drugs, violence, adultery...the list goes on.
After being uprooted from the only home I knew (two doors down from my grandparents), I began a life of rebellion and made many poor choices that I still bear consequences from even today.
To sum it up briefly, I started smoking at age 12, began drinking, dabbling in drugs, and lost my last hope of innocence at age 13. By the time I was sixteen I had run away from home several times and committed sins that I can't say I'll ever discuss with anybody but God. As a matter of fact, I did discuss it with God one day at school. That was the day I received Him as my personal Lord and Savior.
For God So Loved Me (1 John
It was at an assembly that day in February, 1984. I was watching a presentation on freedom and liberty. A group had come to my school to share the gospel but it couldn't be done during school hours. So as an alternative to capture our attention, they gave us great entertainment and invited us to come back for more that evening. They asked us to bring our parents, friends, whoever. So a few of my friends and I attended.
I had been to many church services of various denominations during different times in my life but this time, something was different. I heard the speaker talk about the crucifixion. When he mimicked the sound of the hammer pounding in the nails, I flinched every time. I was totally broken. I don't even remember the rest of the presentation much at all. But, the nails, the pounding…I remember thinking, "I did this. He died for me and I pounded the nails in!" I cried so hard my friends began worrying about me. I didn’t know what happened at the time but I would soon learn that I had received God's gift of salvation!
Reflections
Prior to my salvation, I had been raised predominantly Catholic. During this time, I memorized The Lord's Prayer, the prayer to Mary, the 23rd Psalm and other scriptures required for making my first communion. I went through many rituals such as dotting my head with holy water, genuflecting before entering the pews, and more. I never understood the Lord's Supper; I just knew I had to make my first communion before I was allowed to take it. But, in all the rituals and reverence to God (which I find today to be very beautiful), I never knew Jesus. I never understood why I did those things. I never learned or understood that the Holy Spirit of God could and would come and dwell within me. I went through the motions and I prayed the rosary, but it was just a ritual, a meaningless routine. It was something I did because I was told to.
After my parent's divorce, my mother, brother, and I began attending a protestant church with my stepfather. When my sister was born we stopped going to church. After the second divorce we were sporadically involved with several other denominations. I even attended some really "interesting" tent revivals before taking an interest in televangelism with my grandparents.
I always thought I was a Christian because I believed in God. I continued praying the Lord’s Prayer, and other ritualistic prayers daily. I made deals with God and even prayed for people, but I never knew the Holy Spirit. I never had a relationship with my risen Savior. So, needless to say, after my conversion, I wasn’t quite sure what to do next. I didn’t know which church or denomination to become a part of.
After praying for God's guidance, I began attending a small town
Now as I write this, at age 38, I am amazed as I look back over my life and I see that even before I knew Jesus personally, even in the midst of deep rebellion, God never stopped watching over me. There were many praying over me and I didn't even know it. As I reflect on just a few specific times when I ran away from home, I can see the danger I was in. I have no idea how many things "didn't" happen. Each time I ran away I exposed myself to an environment of violence, sex, and drug related activity. One specific time when I ran away, I almost got caught up in a situation that may have led to prostitution. But God's people were there. They sent me home. I can't even say if they were angels, saints, or both, but God sent them all to protect me. I truly believe it was because I was literally bathed in prayer...and because He had a plan for my life. I could have become a mother prematurely, a prostitute, a drug addict, or even worse…a corpse. But, God had and still has a purpose to fulfill in and through me. He is still molding me even today.
His Grace Is Sufficient
In the summer of 1985 I met the man who is now my ex-husband. I had a rocky relationship with him and he began emotionally abusing me from the start. I left him several times over two years of on and off dating and two years of living together. Then, I foolishly married him at age 21. It wasn't until after my son was born that I came back to my knees and surrendered my life to God once again. This time it was for good. My failing marriage and abusive situation with my husband and his family was the breaking point.
My son was born in
The following Sunday morning I attended church and surrendered my life back to God publicly. Ever since then, He has been the Lord of my life and the keeper of my heart. He began the very next day showing me the fruit that comes from trusting Him. My life began changing and I began to develop the fruits of the Spirit through the many difficult years to come.
Things got better for us in the way of finding a better place to live. In 1992 our daughter was born. God was still growing me and blessing me through my children. But, the neglect and abuse in my marriage never stopped. It only grew worse with each passing year. I was blessed that my husband never stopped me from attending church. I can see what a miracle that was now because one of the traits of abuse is isolation of the victim. I did suffer from being isolated from my friends and family. There was always a price to pay after I spent time with them. However, church was something that I was always allowed to take part in.
I spent many altar calls on my knees crying out to God for my marriage and for my husband's salvation. But it is part of God's wonderful sovereignty to give us all free will. It was up to my husband to choose God's way and not his own. In the mean time, God gave me the grace and the strength as He developed me into a godly mother and wife. He used my difficult marriage to strengthen my character so that I could be a teacher and a good example for my children today. I'm beginning to realize this even more as I share this testimony.
It was the fire that purified me. It was suffering through all the dysfunction and mental abuse that my heart could stand that God developed in me a heart of mercy, forgiveness, love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. I must confess though, we're still working on the patience and self-control part. Actually, we're working on all of it still.
As my situation grew more dangerous and violent, I began to fear that I was going insane (another trait of an abuser is to convince the victim that he/she is insane). I couldn't take anymore. I got to a point that I would have done just about anything to break free from this horrible bondage I was so deeply trapped in. I was sick all the time, crying all the time, and often I even had suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Through it all, my children kept me focused. I don’t know how many times God used them to save my life.
It was January of 1999 when my husband bought a computer. I fought it. We couldn't afford it. We were so deeply in debt due to the irresponsible way he managed money. But, he bought it anyhow. After figuring out how to turn it on, I was determined to master the art of the computer, so I began building a website. Soon I was an avid surfer and spent many late nights surfing the net (my husband was on third shift).
That was how I met my current roommate and best friend, Susan.
He is My Deliverer
His name truly is WONDERFUL! He is the Almighty, Merciful King! I praise His glorious name!
It was in May of 1999 when I had the worst episode ever with my husband. It was our 10th anniversary (this certainly was not how I had dreamed it would be). I was so desperate for help that I began posting prayer requests at every Christian website I visited. I signed guestbook after guestbook. I only got one response from a new, born again Christian named Susan. Her fire was something I had lost. The freshness of her newfound Love was something I needed. She needed a friend who would help her to grow. God used the internet to begin the most wonderful work that started me on the first steps to the freedom I so longed for and never thought I'd see.
Susan committed to pray for me and my family. She committed to pray for my husband's surrender and did so faithfully. Our friendship grew quickly and God began to develop a sisterhood bond like I have never experienced in my life. He was also beginning to close doors where Susan lived and open doors for her to come to
We thought God was bringing her here to help lead my husband to Jesus and therefore salvage my marriage. We would soon be reminded that God's ways and thoughts are not like ours! (I praise Him for that right now!) I heard something recently on the radio. "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." Neither of us had a clue that God was going to use my new friend as a tool for me and my children to break free.
The amazing part about all of this is that when Susan finally did move to TN, our church began doing a Bible Study called Breaking Free, by Beth Moore. Susan had nothing that she felt she needed to break free from. Nevertheless, we both studied together faithfully.
We began having "God days" every Wednesday. We'd worship to praise music on our way to breakfast, then head down to the river to bask in God's glory, pray, and study His word. I think those memories are the tops of my most treasured memories during the worst times of my life! God is AMAZING!
As Susan and I became closer, I noticed that my husband didn't "attack" when she was around. He put on his best behavior so I did my best to make sure she was around a lot. What I didn't realize is that it was actually making things worse as he became very jealous of our friendship. The violence became worse and more frequent. Soon, he treated me bad even in her presence. During this time, Susan and I would plot and plan of ways and things that I could do to help my marriage. She even arranged for my husband and me to go on dates while she took care of the house and kids. But it just didn't work. Nothing worked. The manipulation and violence only increased.
"I Will Never Leave You Nor Forsake You"
Death seemed to be the only way out. I often would think about the easiest way to do it. Time after time, God used my children as tools to keep me breathing and trudging forward. I couldn't fathom them living without me. I even thought about ways that we could all die together and then we'd all be free. But, I was afraid that I might die and they'd survive or even worse, that they might die and I'd live. I remember so many nights out in the yard, in my driveway, curled up in the fetal position while crying out to God so helplessly. I remember screaming, "Father forgive me, but if it wasn't for my kids I would end my life right now!" or "Father forgive me because I just want to get wasted!" But I didn't do it because I had two beautiful children to live for and I had an awesome God who never left me!
Breaking Free
"His mercies are new every morning."
Much to my surprise, the day of deliverance finally came on
We went to Susan's trailer and asked if we could spend the night. She said yes without batting an eye. After a sleepless and fearful night, I began to panic at the thought of going home. Susan reminded me about a time earlier when I had found a brochure on domestic violence. (It was the checklist on this brochure that helped me to see that I was not living in normal circumstances. It was this brochure that first opened my eyes to the fact that I may be living in an abusive situation. I thought my life was normal, that everybody lived that way, until I read the brochure.) I couldn't remember the number, then Susan recollected the number and I called.
I was so surprised at the reaction of the counselor on the other end of the line. She told me that under no circumstances am I to go back home until she met with me. We talked for a long time and then arrangements were made for the kids and I to go to a shelter. From there, I began the very difficult journey from ashes to beauty.
Life was very difficult; I had been a homemaker for 11 years, and had no formal education. I didn't know how I was going to care for my kids. Leaving them to go to work was a struggle, especially with the difficulty of paying for childcare. It was so hard finding somebody to baby sit. Then, after paying for a sitter and gas, I was actually losing money. I would have had no choice but to return to my abuser if it wasn't for Jehovah Jireh, my Provider.
To make what could be a very long story short, God led me to a beautiful new church where we received lots of love and support in many ways. One very special couple, David and Jeanie began taking my children on the weekends that their dad was supposed to. (He stopped coming around long before we moved to this area.) They offered to share their family and home every other Sunday so that I could have time to myself and my kids could experience a functioning, loving family. They strived to set an example to help my children learn what a father, husband, and a healthy marriage should be like. David counseled with me. Then, after my husband moved in with another woman, he helped me through the grieving process over the death of my marriage. He gave me goals to achieve within the first year. At the end of the year, for Christmas, I gave him the list of goals...completed!
Eventually, God provided for me to go back to school. My church, David's family, and Susan, were just a few God's tools of provision through this time. In May of 2004, I graduated with honors and received my Associate's Degree in Social Science. I'm the first person in my family to have a college degree.
During my time in college, I took many classes in psychology and sociology. For fun, during my last semester, I took a class in painting. Through all of this, I have found me. I have discovered talents I didn't know I had. One of them is in art. I began painting my testimony. I see myself as a butterfly. So, I painted my portrait, a butterfly just blossoming from its cocoon. Then, I put my testimony on canvas...Beauty for Ashes. (This painting later ended up on the cover of a church bulletin in
I still reside in the home that God provided for Susan, me, and the kids. (The story of how we came to live in this house is another testimony altogether.) The kids are able to attend a wonderful Christian school and we are growing through trials and blessings more and more every day.
I still have dreams and goals. I still try to achieve something new every year. My biggest goal/dream is to see God's calling fulfilled in my life. I have a heart and passion for women's ministry. I've had this passion ever since I was a baby Christian. I didn't know how God would do it, and I'm still not completely sure. But, after seeing how difficult it is for a woman to escape abuse, and survive afterwards, I see a desperate need of a good, solid Christian support system for these women. This is something that must be done through the local church community. A woman should not have to get caught up in the welfare trap and the dependence on the government. She should have the help that she needs to become God dependent and that can only come from God's people. So many go back to the violence, and if it hadn't been for those God sent to me, I wouldn't have had any other choice myself. It's next to impossible for victims of domestic violence to leave and survive without lots of help and a strong support system.
There is so much more to this story, I could write pages and pages. There is so much more of God's work and miracles...one after another; I can't even begin to put it all into words in just a few pages. Hopefully, someday, the Lover of my Soul will make a way for me to write it all down. Until then...
Beauty for Ashes...this is my story. Freedom for those who are captive...this is God's will. I pray that He will somehow use me to bring freedom to other captives who need Him to rebuild the ancient ruins and restore places long devastated.
